What are You Trying to Say?

There’s a quote widely attributed to the great Maya Angelou that resonates with many of the people that I meet: “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” Often, it’s used to point out when we give others the benefit of the doubt even when they do something that seems hurtful. For me, it’s a good reminder to listen to my instincts; instincts are trustworthy and wise even though we often don’t give them credit. As a therapist, it is critical for me to constantly work on developing that part of me that is in touch with my inner voice. More often than not, I find that there is something there worth listening to. It’s not perfect. Still, in session, it serves as a starting point for a conversation that often allows me to dig deeper into the root of the problems that my clients are really talking about.

In life, as in session, when we ignore our instincts, unfortunate things can happen.

When I work with couples, it’s seldom because things are going really well. Instead, it tends to be the case that couples therapy begins at the lowest point of a relationship. It’s not uncommon for these couples to be perplexed about how their relationship has deteriorated to such a point. Still, the same couples often will say that things have been bad for years and that they’ve never engaged with a therapist to help them work through their issues. All along, there was a clear inner voice that spoke of the condition of their relationship but there was also always a reason to disregard it. The intuitive self is often clear but rarely is it convenient. One of the many distractions – work, family, kids – often take priority and we take for granted that there will always be a tomorrow to work with our spouse to make things better. We even employ doubt or denial that things are as bad as they appear as a defense. It is in this situation, needing a significant amount of healing that couples most often show up at the therapist’s office.

When I work with these couples, I almost never tell them what I’m about to tell you now. At least not right away. It’s not that they don’t need to hear it; it’s simply that now is not the time. For them, there are many more pressing things that need to be said and heard. For you, though, if you’re in a relationship, these are words that are critical for the long-term health of your relationship. It’s a corollary to Angelou’s famous quote that we started this conversation with and it goes something like this.

If your spouse tells you that your relationship is in trouble, believe them.

By no means is this meant to be an I told you so sort of statement. Serious relationship issues, though, seldom come out of nowhere. There are almost always signs or symptoms, usually present for months or years before they reach a point that we would call serious.

To our credit, these messages are not always clear. Unless you’ve had the best mentors and examples of what it means to communicate in a healthy way, it’s rare to be able to communicate what you need in a healthy, productive way or to receive something from your spouse without feeling defensive and disengaging from them. Maybe you’ve heard phrases like “I miss you!” or “I just want to be alone!” Has your spouse ever said, “It feels like we’re roommates!” or accused you of only thinking of yourself? There is no situation in which these phrases are easy to hear, right? It’s not like these statements are made to make us feel better about ourselves.

Yes, these phrases are hurtful and just because your partner may not be able to communicate them in a way that is easier for us to digest, it doesn’t remove our ability to hear them. To compensate by the pain that these phrases elicit, we often deny them (e.g. “That’s just not true!”) or nullify them (e.g. “You’re just being emotional!”). Otherwise, we have to believe them. And, in believing them, we have to face the pain or anxiety or uncertainty that accompanies them.

You see, in hearing your partner say that they just want to be alone recalls every memory of being alone or abandoned in your past. It brings up the questions about self-worth if the person you love the most would rather be alone than be with you. The things that are said to us are not painful in isolation. They are painful because similar things have hurt us in the past. They’re painful because they might represent a threat to our closest relationship. We become defensive, outwardly, towards our partner because of a feeling that emerges from complex circumstances inside us.

Simply, I believe we listen exclusively to the pain inside of ourselves and miss the importance of what our partner is trying to tell us about our relationship. It’s difficult because if for no other reason, we’re most familiar with the messages that emerge from inside of us. We are wired in such a way as to listen to our own inner world first before taking in perspectives from outside – even when those outside perspectives come from the person who we love the most. When we look inside first, we are all prone to locating problems inside of us. There is something flawed about us and that thing is to blame. When that’s the loudest message, we feel the need to vindicate ourselves and to make the case that we’re not that bad. It can be an overwhelming urge because it’s so deeply primal.

My challenge to couples is to work on understanding these urges to protect themselves and how these urges can impede our ability to actually hear what our partner is saying. Your partner might be telling you that they’re scared or that they’re confused or that they’re lonely. They may not tell you that directly; it might be packaged in a way that feels emotional or intense, but the message is there nonetheless. However they tell you, though, our conversations will be more effective when we learn to moderate that inclination to step back and defend. It’s a foundational part of who you are so we’re not trying to get rid of it. We’re simply saying that it’s possible to be aware of that desire to defend and to also realize that there is more going on for us to hear.

Listening with that sort of awareness is hard, no doubt. For many couples, it’s the kind of thing that a few sessions with a therapist may help with. Couples therapists can help you really start to master the communication skills that are fundamental to helping relationships thrive. We can help you truly hear what your partner is saying even when they may not be communicating in the clearest way. You can learn how to reflect on your own communication and become more aware of how you can learn to be more clear about your needs and desires, too.

It can help you really hear what your partner is trying to say?

The Heart of the Matter

What is the most ridiculous argument that you’ve ever had with your partner? Maybe it was a discussion about whether you should get the blue chair or the brown chair to go with the desk in the upstairs office that turned into an all-out clash. It could have been a debate about some inconsequential fact about where Bon Jovi’s early career. If you’re like a lot of couples, it can be something as simple as attempting to figure out what to have for dinner that leads to an unexpected shouting match. 

It’s the kind of argument that, when you’ve cooled off, you can’t believe you got so angry so quickly about something so unimportant. How on earth could you have gotten into a fight about that?

Chances are you didn’t. 

If we were just arguing about chairs or facts or dinner selections, we would never get to the point of raising our voices. When we argue with this kind of intensity, there is a very good prospect that we’re actually trying to make a point about something much deeper but we fail to get past the superficial level. 

Emotions. They are a wonderful part of what it means to be human. They give us energy and drive and help us connect with the people we love. We don’t fall in love because of facts and figures. We fall in love because we share something deeper – something beyond what we can put into words. Falling in love is an emotional, not a rational, experience. 

We can go as far to say that emotions are not rational. It’s true. They exist on a level of our brain that is below our rational abilities. Emotions are more fundamental to what it means to be human that our ability to reason. 

One the problems we often run into (especially when we get into these kinds of disagreements) is that we generally aren’t very good at being connected to our emotions. We aren’t good at describing them or talking about how they show up in our experiences. We’re not very good at labeling them and seeing them as valid parts of what it means to be human in ourselves or the people we love. Instead, we minimize them by saying things like, “You’re just being emotional!” Sometimes, we explain them away by thinking, “Oh, he’s just letting his emotions get the better of him.” When we think about emotions like this, it’s easy to understand why people try and avoid them. 

We don’t choose our emotions. Our emotions emerge from our experiences. Everything that has made us who we are determines how our bodies respond physiologically and emotionally to any given situation. Until we learn to get in touch with this aspect of our humanity, it’s going to seem like we’re arguing about not wanting chicken for dinner when we’re really trying to express that it hurts when our wants are dismissed. Maybe adamantly insisting on the blue chair over the brown is more about alleviating our fears about the shortfall in this month’s budget than a preference for décor. 
In my work with couples, I often find that the problem is not the problem. In other words, when a couple tells me that they argue incessantly about inconsequential things, that isn’t really what they’re concerned about. Usually, they just don’t know how to communicate in ways that let their partner in on their own emotional experiences. They don’t know how to or they don’t feel comfortable sharing their fear or embarrassment or anxiety. Talking about our emotions in this kind of way can feel vulnerable. It can seem volatile, especially if we’re not used to moving beyond the superficial layer to the emotional depth underneath.

But connection is not rational. To grow that connection even stronger it is going to require something other than rationale. To get there, we need to do the hard work of learning to put our feelings into words. For many of us, it might mean that we have to learn a new vocabulary or how to monitor exactly what it is that we’re feeling. We need to learn how to speak about our emotions as experiences that emerge from our internal world rather than blaming our partner for doing something that makes us feel mad. We also need to learn to accept the emotions of our loved ones and see them as valid. Remember, emotions don’t rely on rationality. Your partner’s emotions don’t have to make sense to you to be real and valid and important. 

All of this can feel overwhelming. Maybe that’s why we spend so much time on the frustrating but known surface layer. If it’s overwhelming for you in your relationship, it can be helpful to find a therapist who understands how and why couples fight in this way. Therapists like this can help you learn new, effective ways of communicating that move past the surface to the deeper layers where conflict actually lives. It can move you into the emotional center where the real opportunity for connection exists. 

The truth is that every seemingly insignificant argument is an opportunity to move towards your partner. Every argument, underneath the surface, is an emotional experience that your partner is inviting you to see and to understand. It’s risky and scary and requires vulnerability. But the payoff is an ever-increasing sense of love and the satisfaction of getting to the heart of the matter. 

Three of the Best Apps for Your Relationship

“Before technology allowed us to be anywhere anytime, conversation with other people was a big part of how we satisfied our brains’ need for stimulation.”
Sherry Turkle

This is a big year for for smartphones. It’s the tenth anniversary of the iPhone.  Everyone knew that Apple would do something big to mark the occasion. Google has been involved too and has released their new Pixel phone. It stores all of your photos in the cloud so you’ll never run out of room.

For all of their features, though, most people would likely say that their apps are what really make their phones worth using. Without the apps that we love to use, our phones would just be fancy slabs of glass and aluminum that send really gorgeous text messages. Apps open up the ability for me to make FaceTime calls, or do my banking online, or track my mountain biking, or write this blog post.

As a couples therapist, I often have couples that tell me how much their phones are interfering with their lives and their relationship. When they reunite after a day at work, couples say that their phones serve as an all-too-easy distraction that reduces the quality of their time together. It can keep them from having important conversation. It can keep their mind partially at the office instead of being fully present at home. It’s a real problem – we’ve talked about it a previous blog post, too.

In her book, Reclaiming Conversation, researcher Sherry Turkle talks specifically about the impact that phones are having on the quality of our relationships. She enjoys technology and all the benefits it brings – and I do too! – but she knows that it’s important for us to realize the cost it has for our relationships. From parenting to physical intimacy, the type of relationship we have with our phone impacts the relationship we have with the humans we love.

Are there apps that can help? Maybe, but I’m not sure they’re the downloadable kind. Instead, there are three apps that might be helpful in keeping a positive perspective on the device that you have in your hand.

1. Be Approachable

Your phone might enable new, dynamic forms of digital conversation but it can be a barrier to the intimate and in-person. Turkle’s research shows that that the mere presence of a phone, even if it is turned off and laying face down on a table, can change what people talk about. It’s a powerful social and even physiological cue. Knowing that a person is within an arm’s reach of their phone signals that they are only partially or temporarily available to us. Why would we begin to have a conversation about the things that matter to us when we might get interrupted at any moment?

Being approachable is really about putting the phone down and being available to others. In-person conversation allows emotional connections that are simply unavailable in digital form. As Turkle puts it, “When we invest in conversation, we get a payoff in self-knowledge, empathy, and the experience of community.”

It might be worth installing this app right away!

2. Apologize In Person

If you’re investing time and energy into building a relationship with someone you love, at some point, you will say or do something that offends them. They will be angry with you. A conversation that involves making amends and owning up to the mistakes that we make – especially if we’ve hurt someone else – is a difficult conversation to have. It is so much easier to send a text that says “I’m sorry.” Include a few heart emoji and it can feel like we’ve done what we needed to do.

People don’t generally like having difficult conversations. Turkle, however makes the point that the difficulty inherent in these conversations actually makes us healthier, more empathetic human beings. The guilty person is able to see the pain in the face of the person that he hurt; these cues become a reinforcer to keep the same thing from happening again. But the person receiving the apology also gets to see and assess the genuineness of the regret in the apologizer’s face and actions.  In Turkle’s words, “It is this realization that triggers the beginning of forgiveness.”

When you realize that you’ve done something that has hurt a person that you love, move towards them. Put down the phone and use this app to start you on the road to restoration.

In Turkle’s words, “Conversation cures.”

3. Appreciate the Present Moment

You can go anywhere. Sure, the virtual experience may not be as good as the real thing. With your device in hand, though, you can literally escape to any destination, real or imagined. You can experience what it is like to walk on the surface of the moon or you can get lost in the fictional worlds of your favorite characters. Today, you can even augment the reality of what is around you by summoning objects that appear to be sitting on your coffee table but only when you interact with them through your phone. You can share time and space with someone but yet be immersed in a completely different world.

You don’t need to wear augmented reality glasses or be lost in a Kindle book to escape the present moment. The dozens of notifications you get each day to your phone or the visceral buzzing of a smartwatch can take you away to another place. It can change your frame of reference to another relationship or work engagement. It can take you from a place of boredom to a place of excitement or a place of anxiety to a place of calm.

It can keep you from appreciating the value of the present moment.

Turkle says that we now have the opportunity “To avoid life’s challenges and boring bits.” She goes on to make the case, however, that it is in these moments – when we stay engaged with boredom or anxiety –  we have opportunity to grow. Both, in fact, are signs that we are moving towards something that can help us to develop or to see the world in a different way. When we disengage from these things, we are forfeiting amazing potential.

And that’s just for ourselves.

When it comes to our relationships, being present is essential. It’s critical that we make eye contact or that we reach out and touch our partner. It’s not enough to occupy the same physical space. We need to learn what it is like to share our emotional space with our partner as well. Empathy helps us to understand the things that frustrate or frighten the people that we love. Having a new experience of someone can be anxiety provoking, but we have to stay engaged if we really want to move to the deepest levels of connection. We can’t bail out. We can’t escape to another place. We have to be present for the good times as well as the challenging times.

Appreciating the present moment might be the most important app you ever install.

I want to let Sherry Turkle wrap things up with one more quote from Reclaiming Conversation.

“Every time you check your phone in company, what you gain is a hit of stimulation, a neurochemical shot, and what you lose is what a friend, teacher, parent, lover, or co-worker just said, meant, felt.”

Don’t neglect the people that you love. Install these three apps in your relationship today.

Recommendation: Reclaiming Conversation is a fantastic book to help you get an idea of the power of conversation. Highly recommended.

Photo Credit: "apps" by Sean MacEntee is licensed by CC BY 2.0

Do You Know What You're Saying?

This blog post is part two of our Everything Matters series where we explore how knowing your partner more deeply can lead to the best relationship possible. If you haven’t read it yet, check out part one here.

Everything communicates.

It’s one thing to being to come into a greater awareness of the beautiful complexity of who you are. It’s completely another thing to realize that there is an equally beautiful – and equally complex – person sitting across the table from you. How do you even begin to navigate the process of getting to really know one another? How can you let them know that you appreciate their depth? Can you learn to communicate more effectively?

If you ask any therapist who works with relationship issues, they will tell you that every single couple they see will say, at some point in the process, “We just need help communicating.” If you’ve ever thought that – or said it aloud – know that you are definitely not alone.

I have to admit, though, I think there is way more going on than just that. Yes, I am being a little technical here, but I happen to think that we are constantly communicating. Every word, every action, every eye roll and smirk, every time we raise our voice or cry or go outside to let off steam. Everything communicates. It’s not that we need help communicating as much as we need help to be more aware of the messages that we are sending and receiving.

If you’ve read part one, then you already have a head start. Refining your communication with your partner starts with developing a greater understanding of yourself – knowing what it is that you actually want to say requires knowing yourself on a deeper level.

And give yourself some grace before you start. When you begin to break it down, communication can become pretty complex. Take, for example, this list of actual phrases that we might use in our relationships:

• “I Love You.”
• “Please do the dishes.”
• “I have a headache.”
• “Don’t you ever listen to me?”

As you read these, you might be aware that some or all of them are causing a reaction in you. Maybe you have heard them before (Maybe you’ve heard them today!). Whatever you’re experiencing right now, it’s quite likely that you’re adding emotion to these statements that isn’t actually there, at least in their written form. Those kind of emotions are stimulated every time you hear these or other phrases from those you love and those emotions impact how your conversations go! Knowing how to deal with these ahead of time instantly improves your communication.

It’s also important to know that communication is a lot more than just the words we speak. In fact, some researchers would say that as much as 95% of our communication is non-verbal – the eye rolls, facial expressions, sighs, gentle touches. Most of these things are automatic responses that we don’t think about and all of them contribute significantly to what gets said communicated and what gets understood. Becoming more self-aware allows you greater control over everything that goes into communication.

Listen Up

Of course, sending messages is only one part of the equation. Receiving messages – listening – is just as important. As therapists, sometimes we consider ourselves professional listeners. It’s definitely a skill that can – and should! – be refined with practice. You can learn to listen like a therapist and, when you do, you have a few important roles.

First, approach listening with a sense of responsibility – in other words, it’s important to give the speaker your full attention. It’s also important that the speaker feel safe. Nothing will shut down communication as quickly as feeling ridiculed, judged, or on edge about what is going to happen. Belittling, cutting off, and minimizing the speaker’s words are all big no-nos. Third, when listeners reflect back to the speaker what is being heard, the speaker has an opportunity to correct anything that may have been misstated or miscommunicated. Sometimes, we react to things that were said in a less-than-ideal way instead of what is actually true. Finally, good listeners validate the speaker – listeners let the speaker know that they were heard and understood and what they said makes sense.

When your communication skills are developed, it opens the door to true intimacy - not just sexual intimacy, but a complete understanding of who your partner is. And, as it turns out, Intimacy is Everything.

More on that in part three!

Everything Matters Webinar

This blog post is part of a series based on the Everything Matters Seminar that Desmond has created. There is now an online version of this seminar and you can learn more about it – or sign up for more information – today. Visit EverythingMattersSeminar.com.

In Relationships, Everything Matters

If you’re going to be a human being, then relationships are going to be a part of your life. We are social creatures and when we find ourselves in a safe and loving relationship with another human, we have an opportunity to thrive. Close relationships – whether they’re romantic or not – come with many benefits (I hear they even have healing powers!). When we fall in love, though, we might not be remembering that relationships are also hard work!

That’s why, over the next few blog posts, I want to give you some ideas about enriching that loving relationship you’re in or that you want to be in. When it comes to understanding relationships and how they work, everything matters.

The big picture is basically this: People are beautifully complex. You, as a person, have biological systems and childhood memories and everyday experiences that make you who you are. It can be a lot to get your mind around, especially if your days are as busy as most peoples’ seem to be. It’s hard enough getting to know yourself. Then you meet someone?!? They’re just as complex as you and somehow you have to learn how to navigate and appreciate and live with these differences. You have to tell each other about who you are and you soon discover that everything communicates: everything you say and do and everything you leave out! But, if you’re persistent and committed and can trust the other person you start to develop a deep sense of understanding – an intimacy – with you partner. And Intimacy is Everything!

It’s a tall order!

The Everything That Matters

We could spend a lot of time discussing all of the things that seem to be important in making a person who they are. But, I’m going to try to keep it to just three.

And, we’ll start with the hardest one: the brain. If you’re going to understand anything about yourself, it’s important to understand why the brain matters. There are two big things that I think are important about the brain. First, your brain exists to keep you alive. We can do a lot of amazing things with our brain – iPhones, the Mona Lisa, and tiramisu all started as a thought in someone’s head. But, its first job is to keep us alive and that means that when we’re scared or unsafe or threatened in any way, your brain is going to act more on instinct than creative thought. This impacts how you exist in a relationship. There are times when the more animal-like parts of our brains take over. In those cases, it helps to try and help your partner feel safe.

The second thing about the brain is that it is astoundingly complex. For perspective, researchers say that there are more potential connections between the cells in your brain than there are stars in the entire universe. And, every day, those connections change based on the experiences that you have. If you meditate or get angry or stub your toe on the door, there are changes that happen in your brain because of it. In other words, who you are today won’t be who you are tomorrow.

After the brain, the second thing that makes an impact on who a person becomes is their childhood. It’s cliché for a therapist to talk about this, I know. But, the experiences that you have as a kid impact who you are as an adult. The relationship that you have with your parents or those that take care of you, for example, start to form a template for all of the relationships that you will ever have. It even impacts how you see yourself. I’m not trying to say it’s all about your mother, but I am saying that a person’s childhood experiences are powerful and formative.

That leads us to the third thing that impacts who we are: our ongoing experiences. Remember all those potential brain connections? Everyday, every single experience has an impact on those connections. With time and repetition, parts of our brains can change. The structure, the size, the way our brains function - all of it can be changed by experience. It colors how we see the world. When you understand that your experiences have had an impact on you, you can start to understand how people can be so different.

All of these things matter. Moving towards a healthy relationship involves first understanding that each of these things matter to who we are as individuals. And if they matter to us, they matter to everyone.

When we understand that, we can start to to truly appreciate another person.

In our next post, we'll talk about how we start to communicate all of this beautiful complexity to the people that we love!

Photo Credits: "Hieroglpyhs" by Andrea is licensed by CC BY-SA 2.0.

Everything Matters Webinar

This blog post is part of a series based on the Everything Matters Seminar that Desmond has created. There is now an online version of this seminar and you can learn more about it – or sign up for more information – today. Visit EverythingMattersSeminar.com.

There is Something Between Us

How to Disconnect from the World and Connect with the People You Love.

Where is your phone right now? Is it in your pocket or on the table nearby? Are you literally holding it in your hand as you’re reading this? It’s hard to believe that 2017 marks ten years since Apple first introduced the iPhone. Is there any other device that’s been this much of a game changer? There have been plenty of other phones created since then, of course, but the release of that first iPhone will go down in the history books.

Buy Now

As it turns out, it may also mark a moment when the way that we interact with our world changed forever too.

I’ve started to read a book called Alone Together written by Sherry Turkle. Turkle is an expert in the ways that technology – from smart phones to children’s play toys – impacts our sense of well-being and the quality of the relationships with those around us. At the core of the book is the idea that the way we use and interact with technology has an impact on our own intellectual and emotional development.

Here’s a simple example that she gives. Remember Furby? Turkle starts out by talking about toys such as these – intelligent toys that can respond to us depending on what we do. In explaining some of her research, she discusses how, when turned upside down, Furby might say something like, “Oh no, me scared!” Have you ever wondered how this impacts a child’s play? What does it do to their imaginative exploration to have a toy that respond to them? What if they were making Furby fly through the air but Furby seemed scared? Would the child feel guilty and stop? Would they feel sad that they scared their friend? Does this actually stifle imagination?

It’s fair to say that technology impacts our lives in lots of ways.

And it doesn’t stop with kids. The capabilities of the devices that we use as adults change our behavior too. We can get instant access to our business email, our personal Facebook page, or our favorite YouTube channel. It’s relatively simple to crunch numbers or create new documents on whatever device is nearby. Our levels of productivity and our levels of distractibility are through the roof.

Think about it. It’s always there. When you come to a red light, do you find yourself reflexively reaching for your phone? What happens when you’re sitting at the dinner table with your family and you get a text message alert? Some of us even share our bed with our partner and our electronics.

Do you ever get the sense that this is all too much?

Downtime is important. With the technology that we use today, it is tempting to have less and less of it. We’re never bored and we’ve come to see empty time – where there is nothing to do – as a bad thing. We try to reserve this time for the one or two vacations we take each year, but inevitably there are emails to read or respond to. In times of stress or anxiety, we can retreat to our screens and the comfort of our self-curated content. We never give ourselves an opportunity to really sit with our emotions.

Your brain is healthiest when it has time to unwind and process the day.

From your brain’s perspective, virtual reality is very different from the real thing. Connecting with a loved one via a text message is not the same as embracing them and connecting face to face. Coming home and untethering ourselves from our electronic world allows us to vent about the stresses of our day and celebrate the accomplishments. It’s incredibly helpful for us to process these things. It’s a far more healthy process than trying to match our emotions to an emoji.

There is a deep-down part of us that has evolved to need human-to-human contact. This is the contact that comforts our spirits and let’s us know that we are not alone in the world. In reality, we can have enormous lists of friends and still feel completely alone. According to neuroscientists, when we really connect in face-to-face conversation, parts of our brains literally begin to synchronize. This keeps us attached to each other. It can help keep us securely coupled together.

So how can you start to detach from your device and start to connect with the one that you love? Here are a few ideas to get you started.

Out of Arms Reach

My wife and I have both realized that we reach for our phones every single time that we are driving and come to a red light. Keep those phones out of reach while you’re commuting to work. Leave it in your purse or put it a compartment on the passenger door. When you do come to a red light, look around. Notice the world around you. See the flowers in the median. Notice how many other people are navel-gazing into their phones just waiting for the light to turn.

This also goes for meal times. Keep the phones away from the table. Not in your pocket. Not on the counter in the kitchen. Leave them in your bedroom or office on the charger. The people that you’re eating dinner with – no matter who they are – are interesting and complex people. Be curious about their day and tell them about yours. If you’re eating alone, be mindful of the food that you’re eating. Take time to slow down and relax – eat slowly. It will be good for your brain and your belly.

No Phones Before Bed

A psychiatrist named Dan Siegel recently shared a video said that when you use your phones before bed, you’re short-circuiting your sleep circuitry. Your screens are bright and when you stare at such a bright screen you’re sending your brain the message that it’s not time to go to sleep yet. An hour before you go to bed, you should be starting to wind down, relaxing, and letting the biological process of your body get you ready for a good night’s sleep. Whatever is on there…. it’ll keep ’til morning.

Don’t Argue Via Text

Some estimates say that only about 7% of the information that your brain takes in during conversation is the actual words that are said. 93% is made up things like non-verbals (facial expression, body movements) and tone of voice. There is so much more room for misunderstanding when you speak over text and when the conversation gets heated…. you’d better believe that something is going to go wrong. Texting is convenient for sharing grocery lists and changing calendar appointments but it is a counterproductive way to have most conversations. Instead of texting, make a phone call or, better yet, discuss the issue at home when you are able to take in all of the other 93%. It might seem harder but it will be so much better for your relationships in the long run.

Having the internet in our pocket is absolutely amazing. We literally have access to all of the world’s information at any time and any where. But, the flip side is that we can sometimes let all of that distract us from the people we love. It’s hard to connect when put the world between ourselves and our loved ones sitting on the other side of the couch.

So, wherever your phone is, whatever is happening on Facebook, I can guarantee you it isn’t as important or as amazing as the person across the room. Put down the phone and spend some time really making a connection.

Photo Credit: "Distracted" by micadew is licensed by CC BY-SA 2.0.

After ten years in digital media and marketing, Desmond Smith recently graduated with a Master's in Marriage & Family Therapy from Pfeiffer University and is currently working towards licensure in the state of North Carolina. His wife, Kristy Yetman, is the owner of Yetman Counseling Services. Desmond writes about relationships and life at his blog, PartSaintAndPartSinner.com. He also helps therapists and helpers understand technology and marketing at SurfingOnTheCouch.com.