The Child Inside

Sometimes, we just feel silly. If you're reading this, chances are your a fully (or mostly) grown adult, but we often find ourselves giggling or feeling playful. We might crack up at some low-brow humor. And silliness can show up in other ways, too. We might try to figure out why we got so upset at something that is so seemingly insignificant. Why is whatever happened such a big deal to us? Whether we're getting irrationally upset or we just feel like dancing, it can feel like there's a younger part of us that temporarily takes over. 

One of the things that I often say to my clients is that we can't control our emotions. We don't have the power to choose which feelings we experience at any given moment. It's simply not how we are wired. Our emotions emerge from a combination of experiences and norms and biological processes. It can be hard for us to recognize this and there is something about it that doesn't feel mature. Maybe we have a sense that we shouldn't be sad about something that has happened. It can be tempting to label that sadness as juvenile which can carry a negative sentiment. It's as if to be an adult means that we have to put away childish things – things like feeling sad or dancing or having hurt feelings. We seem to think that being an adult is somehow above being a child.

I don't believe that's true. I think that we all have inner children who can help us feel more fully whole if we truly allow them to find their voice. In an idyllic sense, we have a notion that to be a child is to be unencumbered by the pressures of the adult world. They aren't concerned about the judgments of other people. They express their inner feelings more directly without all of the extra layers of rationale and comportment and others' expectations to get hung up on. 

Childhood is usually a time of freedom and seeing the world from a positive perspective. It's life at its most authentic. We live out what we feel inside. When we're excited and energized, we run. When we're upset, we cry. When we're overjoyed, our emotions spill out as laughter and dancing. What an incredible spirit! At some point, though, our spirit can become obstructed. This obstruction shows up as messages that our emotions are inappropriate or unwelcome. They aren't proper. We're told that there is a set of expectations that we should be trying to live up to. Mature people don't dance when they're happy, after all.

"You're having too much fun."

"Real men don't cry."

"Why are getting so angry?"

It's important to point out that others of us experience this obstruction in more drastic ways. We learn that our emotions are dangerous because they seem to evoke corrosive power in other people who have influence over us. These are wounds and they can be intense in their power. We learn that we need to suppress the things that we feel – to make sure that they don't spill out – as an act of self-protection. 

In all of these cases, our inner child can get grounded – sent to their room indefinitely. Some of the most profound healing that I've had the opportunity to witness so far has been the result of people choosing to end the punishment. When we stop penalizing these parts of themselves and begin to see them and care for them as we would any child, amazing things can happen. We realize that joy or sadness or anger that we felt as children were OK; it wasn't something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. These inner children are actually cute and exuberant. They simply want to be free and live in the moment the only way they know how. They inject our lives with joy and a refreshing simplicity that we all too easily forget.

How unfortunate that we've been told these precious children – our younger selves – are liabilities instead of treasures! All these inner children need is someone to take care of them and to love them for who they are. They just need someone to reassure them that they are OK.

Maybe that someone is you.

I love helping people do the kind of work that connects them with these younger versions of themselves. I love when an individual is able to look back and see that inner child – that inner representation of themselves – as good and whole and important. When we hear the inner child and can respond to their unmet needs, we can unleash a joy and an excitement that can powerfully impact our lives and our relationships. When we are curious about them, we get the privilege of seeing our world in ways that we had otherwise forgotten.

Our inner children are not liabilities. They are not inconveniences. Perhaps, we need to replace the idea of being juvenile with being free, or more child-like, or being unconcerned with how others see us. To be free is to be unaware of the short-comings that people place on us. Maybe there is value in celebrating our inner child.

Just maybe, when we feel joy, we should invite our inner child to dance.

Of Two Minds

An Introduction to Internal Family Systems

When I was growing up, there was an expression I would often hear people in my family use to describe their experience of wavering back and forth on a decision that had to be made. The situation usually wasn’t anything significant, but they at least weren’t super settled on what they actually wanted to do. When that was the case, someone would often say, “I’m of two minds about that.” I’ve realized, of course, it’s one of those regional idioms that might vary from place to place – I’ve heard the of replaced with in or on depending on where a speaker might be from. Either way, it speaks to the inner conflict that we all often feel at some point or another. Maybe you picture the classic cartoon scene of a character with an angel speaking in one ear and a devil speaking in the other.

Two voices. Two perspectives. Two motivations.

Who wins?

As a therapist, I find inner conflict incredibly interesting. This is partly true because I often practice a type of therapy that isn’t very far removed from this very idea. No, we don’t speak about angels and demons on your shoulders, but we do recognize that we often have these inner dialogues and debates. Even if you’ve never said, “I’m on two minds” about something, you might have recognized that “There’s a part of me that wants to say yes, and another that wants to say no.” What are these parts? Why are they so conflicted? How can we get them to come to a resolution? When you can’t come to a resolution, which part wins?

This approach to therapy (called Internal Family Systems Therapy, or IFS) embraces the idea that these parts represent aspects of ourselves. Noticing these tendencies in himself and his clients, Dick Schwartz founded and developed IFS into a truly effective approach to working with clients. You’ve probably recognized that your thoughts and behavior is contextual. Depending on the particular situation, it can feel as though a different version of yourself shows up. For example, it might feel like you’re generally a happy, friendly person who enjoys having fun and getting to know people. But what happens when you have to sit in a meeting with that annoying coworker? You become cold. You give curt answers. You might even be mean to her. It is as though a different person is sitting in your chair.

In the language of IFS, we all have a unique collection of these parts of ourselves. Different parts assume internal leadership roles based on past experiences and other factors. This leadership is as much about managing your internal, emotional state as it is navigating how to deal with the annoying coworker. In our example, it’s most often the friendly part of you that is in the manager’s chair. The presence of your coworker requires a colder, vindictive part to take control.

Another phrase that I love within the therapy room is that “Everything communicates” and the fact that this leadership role shifts in the presence of a particular means there is probably something worth listening for. Why does the vindictive part come out when this person shows up? If this vindictive part could talk, what would it say? Everyone’s situation is different, of course, but for the sake of our example, let’s imagine some scenarios. This part might say that your coworker reminds them of someone similar from your past who got the promotion that you wanted. It might say that there is something about the way that she talks or smiles that reminds you of the bully from middle school. Or, maybe you were vulnerable with someone who used flattery and friendliness and who then used that information to manipulate or take advantage of you. A vindictive part in this situation might list any of these scenarios, but what they have in common is that it is about protecting you from getting hurt again.

Of course, from a distance, we can recognize that a vindictive approach may not be the healthiest, but it does have the effect of keeping the other person – and the associated negative memories – at bay. IFS is about listening to what these parts have to say and exploring the implications. Like people, parts often just want to be heard and noticed.

For people that engage in this kind of work, it’s not uncommon to begin to uncover all kinds of parts. There are parts that are loving and kind. There are parts that focused on helping others or about finding definitive answers to questions. There are parts that may be spiteful, or full of pride, sadness, or shame. Some parts seem to have a temper and don’t seem to care who might get offended. At the core, all of these parts want to ensure our physical and emotional safety, but sometimes, we get into unhealthy patterns and let parts take on more of a leadership role than they actually should.

There are many different ways to understand ourselves more deeply and to improve the quality of our relationships. One of those ways is to get more acquainted with these members of our internal family. These parts have so much to teach us about how we see the world and our place in it. When you engage with a therapist in this kind of way, they can help you identify the parts of yourself that lead and the parts that have been forgotten or pushed aside. It is about honoring the complexities of who you, about helping you learn from your past experiences, and about integrating your parts in order that you can lead yourself through the world in a brand new way.

Photo Credit: "Tin soldiers standing at attention" by Nic McPhee is licensed by CC BY-SA 2.0.

Recovering from Infidelity

There are few things in a relationship so painful as the experience of infidelity. Reaching outside the relationship for physical or emotional connection can take many forms but all of them can feel overwhelming and devastating. In order to heal from these experiences, it often requires deep levels of understanding from both partners and help from a trusted & highly-trained professional.

In addition to things like apologizing and changing behaviors, there are at least three things that couples can expect to experience in the process of working to heal from infidelity.

1. Everyone Experiences Infidelity Differently

In any experience of infidelity, it’s important for partners to understand that the way they each feel about it will be vastly different from one another. Regardless of how the infidelity came to light, the partner that reached outside of the relationship will have lived with full knowledge of what happened. This means that this partner will have had time to process their decisions, to try to come up with reasons, and even to come to terms with their own pain. They will already have had time to grieve.

For the partner who feels betrayed, however, their experience of the infidelity will be quite different. It could be devastating and crisis-inducing. This was not a gradual reveal but a shock that impacts the entire system. It is brand new and these partners often have no suspicion of any unfaithfulness. Realizing this can be intense and traumatic.

Openly and honestly acknowledging the discrepancies in how partners experience infidelity is a vital first step for couples in working towards resolution.

2. Giving Permission to Feel

Just as both partners will experience infidelity differently, each will have a range of emotions that will fluctuate frequently. In the early stages, it is possible that this will happen many times a day. It is important that partners allow each other permission to experience these emotions. This can be harder than it seems. The partner who feels betrayed will experience a great number of difficult emotions. They are hurting and rightfully so. Sometimes they feel the need to seek revenge, to humiliate the person who hurt them so badly. Even if the partner who was unfaithful is apologetic, the betrayed partner often feels the desire to attack them. Such apologies may be genuine but can seem to have little effect. It is such a difficult tension to navigate.

More difficult still is for the partner was does feel betrayed to allow the unfaithful partner to experience their own emotions. Often, the unfaithful partner will feel guilt and embarrassment. It can be tempting to continue to heap on more of the same. While the betrayed partner sometimes feels a sense of momentary gratification, it is rarely helpful in the process of healing,

For both partners, granting permission for the other to feel whatever emotions that may be surfacing is an important step towards healing. There are no timelines or prescriptions in these situations. The emotions that surface are natural and shouldn’t be ignored. So, if you’re willing and able to in the face of infidelity, try to grant a little grace to one another. In the face of this dramatic emotional upheaval, resilient couples are able to see beyond the infidelity.

3. See Beyond Blame

Contrary to what many people think, blame is often not that helpful in resolving a problem – especially one as complex around infidelity. Again, it can take some time for the betrayed partner to be able to get to this place. Adopting a non-blaming stance, though, can be vital for partners working through their experiences. This is not to say that the person who was unfaithful to the relationship is off-the-hook. But to understand how all of this came to happen in the first place, it’s important to keep everything on the table. When working to heal from infidelity, everything matters.

As they embark on this examination process, many couples report that the infidelity actually started years before. Maybe there was a process of falling out of love or a slowly building sense of disconnection. Some talk about distractions from the relationship like intense demands at work or with the kids and how there was little time left to nurture the relationship itself. In some cases, couples even connect their infidelity to experience from their own childhoods that created some lingering or unresolved needs. Whatever you find out, in order to understand it and to keep it from happening in the future, it’s important to be able to talk about it in a non-blaming way

Healing from infidelity is hard work that involves commitment and trust. It involves simultaneously holding your own personal grief, pain, shame, or pride while working to understand the characteristics of your relationship. Often, it requires the guidance of a professional with specific training in working with couples issues.

If you have experienced infidelity in your relationship, Yetman Counseling Services can provide the safe, knowledgeable, and professional environment to begin the process of healing.

Schedule a consultation today and help your relationship heal.

Photo Credit: "Golden Boat" by Abhishek Jacob is licensed by CC BY-SA 2.0.

The Healing Power of Relationships

It’s a pretty recent development in human history that we have medical classifications for things like anxiety, depressions, and other concerns. We spend a lot of money researching and treating these issues and a lot more more developing medicines that can be used to help people feel better. The reasoning goes something like this: since these issues can be traced to chemical process in people’s brains, if we can adjust those chemical levels, we can eliminate the concerns.

Before we get too far, let me say that I’m not here to make an argument against medication. As a therapist, I fully affirm that medications are an important part of treating many of the concerns that people have. Medications are a tool and they have a role in a larger ecosystem of treatments to help people feel better.

We also have to understand that we live in a culture where we want our hamburgers in sixty seconds and we get annoyed when Netflix starts to buffer in the middle of a good binge. These ideas impact who we are and how we think about the world. It makes sense that we also want quick fixes for the things that are bothering us.

I don’t have time to be depressed.

When my anxiety keeps me up at night, sometimes I have to load up on caffeine the next day.

We don’t want to be held back or slowed down. In a world like that, medications can become the primary means for eliminating symptoms. But they don’t always fix the problem. It’s only part of the story.

I believe that true healing – not just symptom reduction – involves healthy, safe, and responsive relationships.

We know that drugs regulate the chemical levels in a person’s brain. There’s a lot more that we know about the brain too. We know that it’s impacted by the relationships we have with others. When we feel safe – not judged – and validated by another human, the parts of our brain that respond to threats and dangers and amp up our anxiety levels start to relax and free up resources for other parts. In the closest relationships, we have research that shows us that parts of our right hemispheres begin to synchronize. This is most prominent in babies who we believe use their caretaker’s sense of calmness to begin to regulate their own emotions. This circuitry never leaves us, so when we’re connecting with a friend over coffee or a partner over a romantic dinner we feel safe and calm and connected in a way that goes beyond anything we could consciously describe.

It feels like there is something electric between you because there is.

This is the foundation of empathy. Dr. Sue Johnson, a renowned couples researcher talks about how empathy helps at the most basic level by letting us know that our story and our emotions make sense to another human being.

Understanding and empathy are the keys to healing and growth. If you’ve been told for your entire life that you’re not good enough,  having a relationship with someone who provides you with support can be a healing and restorative  experience. If that person gets frustrated with your low self-esteem or your hesitancy to connect with others, it’s an indication that empathy isn’t really present.

Empathy is so important because, in part, it provides a person with an opportunity to feel like they are safe and understood. It allows the parts of our brain that are focused on survival to relax and the parts of our brain that make sense of the world to take the lead. In fact, I would argue that safe, empathic relational experiences are the natural way that humans experience healing and growth. These relationships quite literally begin to rewire our brains. They provide conditions for our dysregulated brains to readjust. They allow our inborn tendencies for resilience and growth to come to the surface.

Sadly, like home cooked meals and vacations, relationships often become a casualty to our fast-paced lifestyles. We come home from work or carting the kids around and we are mentally spent. It’s easier to connect to the TV than to connect with our partner about how their day went.

Incidentally, these ideas are the same concepts that makes therapy effective for helping people experience a greater sense of well being. Yes, therapists are highly trained in specific techniques and these are important. None of this would be effective, though, without an ability to create a safe, open, empathic environment. Therapy harnesses the power of empathy to mobilize the resources that are already inside you. In fact, when we have people that truly understand us, the effects are undeniable. Our relationships have the power to literally reshape our brain and transform who we are. They have the power to help us see the world in an entirely new way.

They have the power to heal.

Photo Credit:  "Heart" by Thomas Meier is licensed by CC BY-NC 2.0.

Desmond Smith is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Associate. He and his wife, Kristy Yetman, run Yetman Counseling Services and provide therapy for individuals, couples, and families.