The Most Important Characteristic?

Often, people come to our office and ask what they can do to improve their lives, to fix their relationship, or to make the work experience more rewarding? It is not an easy question and there certain are no easy answers. Everyone has their own unique experience that we explore in the counseling process.

Still, over the last several weeks, there has been an idea that has been surfacing for me around some of the things that I have been reading and listening to. One book even said that it was the most important characteristic for people looking to develop their leadership skills. I'd argue that it's probably true for anyone trying to make changes in any part of their lives. 

That characteristic? Self-awareness.

So much of our lives are lived by reflex. We respond harshly when our partner asks us a question or uses a certain tone of voice. It's not something that we are aware of – it just kind of happens. If we make a mistake, why is that that we can be so hard on ourselves? Many people – myself included – have to fight a real sense of shame when that happens. We can think things about ourselves that we would never say about other people. 

In the space between every experience we have in the world and the way that we choose to react, I like to think about a space. It's really a window of opportunity. When we react in a reflexive way, that window is very small; it's almost non-existent. But what happens when we start to look inward and figure out what the real motivations are behind the things we do? How do things change when we start to open up that window of opportunity so that there's more space to think and to act in a more self-controlled way?

When we work towards our own sense of self-awareness, we can change the way that we respond to our loved ones. When we understand our emotional space and motivations, we can have a more compassionate stance towards ourselves.

When we increase our level of self-awareness, everything can change.

Desmond Smith is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Associate. He and his wife, Kristy Yetman, run Yetman Counseling Services and provide therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Photo Credit: "Home" by Kevin Doncaster is licensed by CC BY 2.0.

The Healing Power of Relationships

It’s a pretty recent development in human history that we have medical classifications for things like anxiety, depressions, and other concerns. We spend a lot of money researching and treating these issues and a lot more more developing medicines that can be used to help people feel better. The reasoning goes something like this: since these issues can be traced to chemical process in people’s brains, if we can adjust those chemical levels, we can eliminate the concerns.

Before we get too far, let me say that I’m not here to make an argument against medication. As a therapist, I fully affirm that medications are an important part of treating many of the concerns that people have. Medications are a tool and they have a role in a larger ecosystem of treatments to help people feel better.

We also have to understand that we live in a culture where we want our hamburgers in sixty seconds and we get annoyed when Netflix starts to buffer in the middle of a good binge. These ideas impact who we are and how we think about the world. It makes sense that we also want quick fixes for the things that are bothering us.

I don’t have time to be depressed.

When my anxiety keeps me up at night, sometimes I have to load up on caffeine the next day.

We don’t want to be held back or slowed down. In a world like that, medications can become the primary means for eliminating symptoms. But they don’t always fix the problem. It’s only part of the story.

I believe that true healing – not just symptom reduction – involves healthy, safe, and responsive relationships.

We know that drugs regulate the chemical levels in a person’s brain. There’s a lot more that we know about the brain too. We know that it’s impacted by the relationships we have with others. When we feel safe – not judged – and validated by another human, the parts of our brain that respond to threats and dangers and amp up our anxiety levels start to relax and free up resources for other parts. In the closest relationships, we have research that shows us that parts of our right hemispheres begin to synchronize. This is most prominent in babies who we believe use their caretaker’s sense of calmness to begin to regulate their own emotions. This circuitry never leaves us, so when we’re connecting with a friend over coffee or a partner over a romantic dinner we feel safe and calm and connected in a way that goes beyond anything we could consciously describe.

It feels like there is something electric between you because there is.

This is the foundation of empathy. Dr. Sue Johnson, a renowned couples researcher talks about how empathy helps at the most basic level by letting us know that our story and our emotions make sense to another human being.

Understanding and empathy are the keys to healing and growth. If you’ve been told for your entire life that you’re not good enough,  having a relationship with someone who provides you with support can be a healing and restorative  experience. If that person gets frustrated with your low self-esteem or your hesitancy to connect with others, it’s an indication that empathy isn’t really present.

Empathy is so important because, in part, it provides a person with an opportunity to feel like they are safe and understood. It allows the parts of our brain that are focused on survival to relax and the parts of our brain that make sense of the world to take the lead. In fact, I would argue that safe, empathic relational experiences are the natural way that humans experience healing and growth. These relationships quite literally begin to rewire our brains. They provide conditions for our dysregulated brains to readjust. They allow our inborn tendencies for resilience and growth to come to the surface.

Sadly, like home cooked meals and vacations, relationships often become a casualty to our fast-paced lifestyles. We come home from work or carting the kids around and we are mentally spent. It’s easier to connect to the TV than to connect with our partner about how their day went.

Incidentally, these ideas are the same concepts that makes therapy effective for helping people experience a greater sense of well being. Yes, therapists are highly trained in specific techniques and these are important. None of this would be effective, though, without an ability to create a safe, open, empathic environment. Therapy harnesses the power of empathy to mobilize the resources that are already inside you. In fact, when we have people that truly understand us, the effects are undeniable. Our relationships have the power to literally reshape our brain and transform who we are. They have the power to help us see the world in an entirely new way.

They have the power to heal.

Photo Credit:  "Heart" by Thomas Meier is licensed by CC BY-NC 2.0.

Desmond Smith is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Associate. He and his wife, Kristy Yetman, run Yetman Counseling Services and provide therapy for individuals, couples, and families. 

There is Something Between Us

How to Disconnect from the World and Connect with the People You Love.

Where is your phone right now? Is it in your pocket or on the table nearby? Are you literally holding it in your hand as you’re reading this? It’s hard to believe that 2017 marks ten years since Apple first introduced the iPhone. Is there any other device that’s been this much of a game changer? There have been plenty of other phones created since then, of course, but the release of that first iPhone will go down in the history books.

Buy Now

As it turns out, it may also mark a moment when the way that we interact with our world changed forever too.

I’ve started to read a book called Alone Together written by Sherry Turkle. Turkle is an expert in the ways that technology – from smart phones to children’s play toys – impacts our sense of well-being and the quality of the relationships with those around us. At the core of the book is the idea that the way we use and interact with technology has an impact on our own intellectual and emotional development.

Here’s a simple example that she gives. Remember Furby? Turkle starts out by talking about toys such as these – intelligent toys that can respond to us depending on what we do. In explaining some of her research, she discusses how, when turned upside down, Furby might say something like, “Oh no, me scared!” Have you ever wondered how this impacts a child’s play? What does it do to their imaginative exploration to have a toy that respond to them? What if they were making Furby fly through the air but Furby seemed scared? Would the child feel guilty and stop? Would they feel sad that they scared their friend? Does this actually stifle imagination?

It’s fair to say that technology impacts our lives in lots of ways.

And it doesn’t stop with kids. The capabilities of the devices that we use as adults change our behavior too. We can get instant access to our business email, our personal Facebook page, or our favorite YouTube channel. It’s relatively simple to crunch numbers or create new documents on whatever device is nearby. Our levels of productivity and our levels of distractibility are through the roof.

Think about it. It’s always there. When you come to a red light, do you find yourself reflexively reaching for your phone? What happens when you’re sitting at the dinner table with your family and you get a text message alert? Some of us even share our bed with our partner and our electronics.

Do you ever get the sense that this is all too much?

Downtime is important. With the technology that we use today, it is tempting to have less and less of it. We’re never bored and we’ve come to see empty time – where there is nothing to do – as a bad thing. We try to reserve this time for the one or two vacations we take each year, but inevitably there are emails to read or respond to. In times of stress or anxiety, we can retreat to our screens and the comfort of our self-curated content. We never give ourselves an opportunity to really sit with our emotions.

Your brain is healthiest when it has time to unwind and process the day.

From your brain’s perspective, virtual reality is very different from the real thing. Connecting with a loved one via a text message is not the same as embracing them and connecting face to face. Coming home and untethering ourselves from our electronic world allows us to vent about the stresses of our day and celebrate the accomplishments. It’s incredibly helpful for us to process these things. It’s a far more healthy process than trying to match our emotions to an emoji.

There is a deep-down part of us that has evolved to need human-to-human contact. This is the contact that comforts our spirits and let’s us know that we are not alone in the world. In reality, we can have enormous lists of friends and still feel completely alone. According to neuroscientists, when we really connect in face-to-face conversation, parts of our brains literally begin to synchronize. This keeps us attached to each other. It can help keep us securely coupled together.

So how can you start to detach from your device and start to connect with the one that you love? Here are a few ideas to get you started.

Out of Arms Reach

My wife and I have both realized that we reach for our phones every single time that we are driving and come to a red light. Keep those phones out of reach while you’re commuting to work. Leave it in your purse or put it a compartment on the passenger door. When you do come to a red light, look around. Notice the world around you. See the flowers in the median. Notice how many other people are navel-gazing into their phones just waiting for the light to turn.

This also goes for meal times. Keep the phones away from the table. Not in your pocket. Not on the counter in the kitchen. Leave them in your bedroom or office on the charger. The people that you’re eating dinner with – no matter who they are – are interesting and complex people. Be curious about their day and tell them about yours. If you’re eating alone, be mindful of the food that you’re eating. Take time to slow down and relax – eat slowly. It will be good for your brain and your belly.

No Phones Before Bed

A psychiatrist named Dan Siegel recently shared a video said that when you use your phones before bed, you’re short-circuiting your sleep circuitry. Your screens are bright and when you stare at such a bright screen you’re sending your brain the message that it’s not time to go to sleep yet. An hour before you go to bed, you should be starting to wind down, relaxing, and letting the biological process of your body get you ready for a good night’s sleep. Whatever is on there…. it’ll keep ’til morning.

Don’t Argue Via Text

Some estimates say that only about 7% of the information that your brain takes in during conversation is the actual words that are said. 93% is made up things like non-verbals (facial expression, body movements) and tone of voice. There is so much more room for misunderstanding when you speak over text and when the conversation gets heated…. you’d better believe that something is going to go wrong. Texting is convenient for sharing grocery lists and changing calendar appointments but it is a counterproductive way to have most conversations. Instead of texting, make a phone call or, better yet, discuss the issue at home when you are able to take in all of the other 93%. It might seem harder but it will be so much better for your relationships in the long run.

Having the internet in our pocket is absolutely amazing. We literally have access to all of the world’s information at any time and any where. But, the flip side is that we can sometimes let all of that distract us from the people we love. It’s hard to connect when put the world between ourselves and our loved ones sitting on the other side of the couch.

So, wherever your phone is, whatever is happening on Facebook, I can guarantee you it isn’t as important or as amazing as the person across the room. Put down the phone and spend some time really making a connection.

Photo Credit: "Distracted" by micadew is licensed by CC BY-SA 2.0.

After ten years in digital media and marketing, Desmond Smith recently graduated with a Master's in Marriage & Family Therapy from Pfeiffer University and is currently working towards licensure in the state of North Carolina. His wife, Kristy Yetman, is the owner of Yetman Counseling Services. Desmond writes about relationships and life at his blog, PartSaintAndPartSinner.com. He also helps therapists and helpers understand technology and marketing at SurfingOnTheCouch.com.

How to Keep It Together at the Grocery Store

Sometimes, there are just those days. These are the mornings that the alarm doesn’t go off at the right time, when the kids aren’t cooperative in getting out the door to school, and the toast gets burned in the toaster. Maybe you leave your house later than normal and get caught behind the school bus convoys that seem to stop at every single corner. And it’s raining which often means – at least here in Charlotte – that people can seem to forget the basic tenets of driving well. They’re either going too fast or too slow for you.

Work may be a particular chore. Maybe other folks are laughing or recounting their weekend exploits loud enough that you can’t seem to concentrate. There’s an email from that coworker who always just wants to hand that task off to you when they’re perfectly capable of doing it themselves.

Then you realize you forgot your lunch!

After making it through the workday, though, you’re still not done. If you’re going to eat dinner tonight you’re going to need to stop at the grocery story. The meat is overpriced. The produce is less than fresh. And, you’re not alone; half the city seems to have had the same sort of day and now they’re all in front of you in line to pay for their food and head home after this wash of a day.

Have you been there?

Right or wrong, this scenario seems to be a part of our modern routine and there are those particular days when everything seems to go awry. Standing in line at the grocery story can feel like the last straw. It’s easy to let the frustrations pile up and overwhelm us; we can leave the grocery store with more than we bargained for. How nice would it be to be able to leave there refreshed instead of in a worse mood than we started with?

Maybe we start by shifting our perspective. Waiting in line at the grocery story can be frustrating but it might also be the first time that we have had for ourselves the entire day. Can we be grateful while we are standing in line? Recognizing good things and fostering gratitude is an important way to help build in some natural defenses against defaulting to a negative outlook on the world – and the people – around us. Can we be grateful for having a moment of stillness where all we can do is stand and wait?  Nothing else is expected of us, even if just for a moment? Maybe we can be grateful that we are holding a basket of food that we get to take home and prepare for our family. Maybe we can be grateful that we are standing inside instead of being out in the rain.

Sometimes, just noticing other people can be helpful too. One of the byproducts of our culture is that we becoming disconnected from other people. We can feel alone. This is a normal feeling and, if you feel that way, you should know that many, many people feel that way too. Maybe standing in line is a great opportunity to begin to notice the people around you – to reconnect, in some small way. We don’t know their stories or what sort of day they may have had a work or what sort of pressures may be happening. Perhaps noticing those around you can help you feel more in touch with others and that standing in line with those people isn’t such a bad thing.

Maybe, though, it’s just a time for you to relax. Since there’s nothing you can do to make the line speed up, use it to help your anxieties from the day dissipate. This is a great opportunity to breath. When you breath mindfully – noticing each breath and paying attention to the rhythm and cadence of your breathing – we know that there is a calming effect on your brain too. It can help parts of your brain that are rehearsing those things you should have said when your coworkers were being loud outside your office or when you were asked to take on another project.

Standing in line can seem like one more chore. But, when we are able to shift our perspective, we can also see it as full of possibilities and opportunities to manage our emotions. It’s completely understandable that your body feels frustrated when you have those days but by putting into practice these important ideas, maybe you can help to relieve some of those experiences. You can leave the grocery store and head home prepared to greet your family with positive attitude that, hopefully, will make for a great end to a less than perfect day.

"queue" by Riccardof is licensed by CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

After ten years in digital media and marketing, Desmond Smith recently graduated with a Master's in Marriage & Family Therapy from Pfeiffer University. He is currently working towards becoming licensed as a therapist in North Carolina. His wife, Kristy Yetman, is the owner of Yetman Counseling Services.

Desmond writes about relationships and life at his blog, PartSaintAndPartSinner.com. He also helps therapists and helpers understand technology and marketing at SurfingOnTheCouch.com.

3 Ways to Get Your Week Off to a Great Start

Monday always seems to come just a little too quickly, doesn’t it?

We have all been there. Some of us get there at least once every week. When Monday morning rolls around – or even Sunday night – we start to worry about the week ahead. Maybe we dread going back to work because we don’t get along with our coworkers or we don’t feel fulfilled. Sometimes it can feel like we’re just spinning our wheels. Feelings like these make for a difficult start for the week and have a way of draining our motivation before we even get started.

What if there were some ways to help counter these Monday morning blues? What are some of the things that people can use to get their week off to the best start possible? Here are somethings that I find helpful to get my week heading in the right direction.

Give Yourself an Onramp

Sometimes I just need a little more time in the mornings. I always feel rushed, or anxious, or that I’m constantly forgetting something; this is the story of my life. It might also feel counterintuitive. You might be thinking that the last thing you want to do when you already feel sapped of your motivation is to get up early. But getting up earlier than usual does a couple of important things. It’s not just about giving yourself more time.

Think of it like a merging lane on a highway. Sometimes, these lanes are just too short and it makes it really difficult to get up to speed and find an opening in the traffic that’s whizzing by. When those lanes are longer, I find myself relaxing a little more. I can take my time and match the speed of the traffic I’m trying to join. A longer morning routine does the same thing. Our bodies have an accelerator too and it can be a shock to our system when we have to mash on the gas pedal to try to get up to Monday morning speed. Coming up to speed in a more gradual way is healthier and lets us join the flow of traffic with a lower level of anxiety.

Use Your Time Unproductively

It’s not just about getting up early though. If I get up thirty minutes earlier just so I can surf Facebook or watch thirty minutes of infomercials, it doesn’t get me any further ahead. It’s also not about getting up thirty minutes earlier to add thirty minutes of productivity to my day. One of the reasons this lack of motivation feels so bad to us is that we often find our identities in the jobs we have and what we can produce. In that scenario, when I don’t feel like I can produce it can feel like I’m losing a little bit of myself – that I’m just not as valuable.

Let me be clear: you’re value runs far deeper than what you produce each day.

This extra time is valuable because it gives me an opportunity to spend time with you. There is a great book by Michael Crawford called The World Outside Your Head and, among other things, he uses it to talk about how everything around us clamors for our attention. In doing so, it limits the amount of time that we have to really spend in silence or reflection and, for centuries, this was vital to well being.

If you can, carve out some of this time to do something that may feel completely unproductive. We’ve blogged about some ideas related to mindfulness here in the past; those are all great options. If you’re a writer, it might mean starting a gratitude journal in which you take 15 minutes to write about 2–3 things that you have been grateful for recently. Even something as simple as spending five extra minutes relaxing in the shower can be helpful as it can help relax some of the tension in your body.

Yes – this gets complicated with kids and spouses and roommates. But carving time out for yourself is so important.

Be Generous

In general, being generous is a healthy way to live. I’m talking about way more than simply buying someone a coffee or making a donation to a food bank. Although those things are good too, generosity is a mindset that can permeate our lives, right down to the way we think.

It often starts with being generous towards ourselves. It’s easy for me to be self-critical or to think the worst about myself. But what would it be like to be a little more generous with how we think about the efforts we make? There is no instruction book for life. Every experience I encounter is brand new. No one has been me before, with my skills and my challenges. I am improvising and succeeding at hundreds of things a day but it’s so easy for me to focus on the things that aren’t going well. Things like mindfulness and gratitude can help to start a process of noticing the good things. Surrounding myself with encouraging people can help too. Maybe this is something that you can do too!

What many people find is that their generosity towards themselves often translates into generosity towards other people. When I accept that I’m doing the best I can and that my motives are generally good, I can start to see that same thing being true of other people too. Even if they don’t agree with something, a generosity-minded person is able to give others more space and then work harder to understand their perspective before making harsh judgements. When I see the world through a more generous lens, it suddenly seems less adversarial and less anxiety-provoking. It feels like something I want to be a part of.

And I’d love for you to join me. Have a great week!

"time" by uditha wickramanayaka is licensed by CC BY-ND 2.0.

The Lies of Valentine's Day

If you venture out into the world at all during this time of year, you will probably be overwhelmed by hearts and chocolates and silhouettes of Cupid. Don’t get me wrong; it is great to have a time on the calendar when we focus on love and romance. It can benefit every relationship to have seasons like these that encourage partners to express their love. Do it. Love it. Enjoy it.

But there’s a flip side too. If we’re honest, the pomp around Valentine’s Day can be frustrating or even discouraging for people. Maybe we are single on Valentine’s Day. Maybe our relationship isn’t as fulfilling as we want it to be. When every shelf in every department store is chock full of messages that are intended to be sweet, it can make us think that maybe there is something wrong with us.

The truth is, though, these messages of “love” can be damaging if we don’t think about what they’re saying. Chances are that there is nothing wrong with you at all. True love is not as simple as the messages on the store shelves and it’s certainly not “As seen on TV.”

That’s why I believe it’s important for us to call out the lies when we see them. It will help all of our relationships if we can start to think about love in a realistic way.

There are two in particular that I love to hate. I know they’re meant to be helpful and to express affection and deep love, but below the surface, they are the root of so many of the problems that we see in relationships.

The first one: “You make me happy!”

Yes, I know. It might seem pretty harmless. But beneath the surface layer of meaning here lies something that we really need to talk about. First, there’s the idea of happiness. To be happy is to experience an emotion. It’s the emotion that you experience when things are going well, when you’re surrounded by people that you love, or when you don’t have any particular stress. Obviously people want to be happy, but as an emotion, it passes; it’s not constant but instead it rises and falls in response to what’s happening around you. The fact that it passes is actually really important. No one is constantly happy. Sometimes you’re happy but then things happen and you experience sadness. Other things bring up feelings of anger. Emotions are constantly changing.

It doesn’t help that we tend to emphasize happiness and avoid other emotions like sadness or fear. But experiencing all of the emotions is an important part of what it means to be human. They are completely normal and should be embraced rather than avoided. There’s nothing inherently bad about feeling sad.

There is nothing or no one person that can make you happy. It is too much responsibility for anyone to assume. To put the responsibility of making you happy on your partner is to say that they’re somehow responsible for everything that happens to you. They have to manage the circumstances that you experience and, the insinuation is that, when you’re not happy, it’s also on them.

I get the sentiment, though. What we’re really trying to communicate when we say, “You make me happy” is “I feel happy that you are in my life.” This is more than just arguing over words though. The difference in the underlying meaning is profound. The words that we say and the phrases that we use have incredible power to create meaning in our lives.

So, own your happiness. Realize that happiness, sadness, anger, fear – all of the emotions – are normal. We experience them in waves that come and go. To put the responsibility for your happiness on your partner, though, is unfair to you and to them.

And that brings us to number two: “You complete me!”

If you’ve seen the movie Jerry Maguire then you already know about this one. The whole story culminates in this line that Jerry delivers to Dorothy. It is at about this time that most people reach for the box of tissues.

Me? I cry too but for a whole different reason.

For years, this phrase has gotten under my skin for the other layers of meaning –the things that it doesn’t say. For some reason, we seem to have lost touch with the idea that we can be whole human beings completely on our own. The parts of our lives where we feel lacking – where we feel broken – can be restored. When we spend time working on ourselves and exploring where these feelings come from we can learn to accept ourselves and love ourselves with our imperfections.

If we don’t do that work though, the feelings of deficiency can stick around. And – I get it – exploring some of the areas where you feel like you need to grow can be scary. Sometimes, it can be easier to look for ways to compensate for those feelings and one of the ways is to look to another person – our partners – to fill in those gaps. But this is a temporary fix; it’s not a solution.

If you find that special someone with whom you feel like you could spend the rest of your life with, it can feel like they complement you perfectly – that they are all of the things that you are not. It won’t take long though before they realize that they cannot be everything you need. To ask someone else to be the things that you are not is to ask them to do double duty and to assume responsibility for you both. This creates a sense of imbalance; it creates an unequal drain that sucks your partners energy to the point of exhaustion.

Instead, if we feel incomplete, the heathy approach, as intimidating as it may feel, is to move towards that feeling. What is about our lives that feel incomplete? Where are the areas that I’ve been wounded and who can help me make moves towards wholeness rather than distraction?

These are the lies of Valentine’s Day. The truth is that you can be whole, complete, and content just with the resources that you have at you disposal as an individual. You don’t need someone else to make you happy, or to complete you. And, the more that you move towards feeling whole the more that your relationship with your partner will enhance you life. When you refuse to burden your partner with the responsibility for your happiness and completeness, you allow them the freedom to love you unconditionally – to love you for who you really are.

Interested in exploring some new ideas about what it means to love and be in a fulfilling relationship? Reach out to us today.

After ten years in digital media and marketing, Desmond Smith recently graduated with a Master's in Marriage & Family Therapy from Pfeiffer University. He is currently working towards becoming licensed as a therapist in North Carolina. His wife, Kristy Yetman, is the owner of Yetman Counseling Services.

Desmond writes about relationships and life at his blog, PartSaintAndPartSinner.com.

"Heart shaped bokeh 19" by Iouri Goussev is licensed by CC BY-SA 2.0

3 Simple Tips to Improve Your Relationship

Regardless of what others might tell you, relationships are hard work. We live in a world that pressures us to believe that we will know we have found our soul mate when things just seem to work. But if it sounds too good to be true, it’s a pretty safe bet that it is too good to be true.

The reality is that relationships require an investment. There is nothing automatic. There are no gimmes. Both partners have to roll up their sleeves and commit to doing the hard work of relationship building. But, like any difficult task, it might be best to break it down into more manageable chunks.

Let’s look at three incredibly easy things you can start doing today to improve your relationship with your partner.

1. Ask New Questions

One of the things that we find couples do less and less is engage in meaningful conversation. Instead, we often choose to ask the same, repetitive questions: How was you day? What do you want for dinner? What do you want to watch tonight? Routines can be nice and having emotional conversations can be sometimes be draining. But, engaging in deeper conversation does a couple of important things for our relationship. We show our partner by our actions that we are interested in them and that they are important. We provide a safe space for them to share about the things that concern them.

One way to promote creative and helpful conversation is to start asking creative, open-ended questions. Take some time – maybe 20 minutes during dinner or before your favorite show begins – to simply talk. You can find lists of open-ended questions pretty easily online (here’s one to get you started). Try it for a week. You’ll be amazed at how much better your conversation flows throughout the entire day!

Give Them a Hug

This one seems too simple to be true. Give your partner a hug. You probably give your partner a hug every single day? How is this helpful?

Before we dismiss this, let me give you a little more information.

Research has found something remarkable about hugging. When you hold your partner in a close embrace, there is a hormone called oxytocin that is released into your blood stream. You might remember from biology class that oxytocin is the same hormone that is released when a mother is given birth and it helps to create a sense of connection.

The catch? You have to hug for at least twenty seconds. Try it. Hold your partner close in a tight embrace and set a timer if you need to. It's not about using a hug as a substitute for working though the problems you may be having. It is about creating a sense of connection. When you start to feel more connected, it gives you a great foundation on which to build.

3. Put Down the Phone

I know you love you phone. I love my phone too. There is so much to read, so many friends on Facebook to keep up with. So many texts that seem to want our immediate attention. It’s a never-ending stream of information. And this is precisely the issue.

The immediacy of information that our technology allows also creates a false sense of urgency – that we have to stay connected in case that important call or message comes in. But this is most often a lie. Truth be told, it’s more than reasonable for us to leave our phone in another room during dinner. In most cases, our world won’t come crashing down if we leave our phone face down and out of arm’s reach.

The same thing is true of laptops and tablets and video games. Put them away. At least put them away long enough to spend some significant time with the person you love. If you’ve not been together all day and, when you come home, you continue to be immersed in a virtual world, what will you partner think? It can be subtle or blatant but the message that is most often received is that “They would rather be somewhere else instead of here with me.”

Let’s make sure that this is not the message we are sending. Your challenge is to put the the phone down for an evening. Turn on the do not disturb setting. Leave it in another room. Initially, you might find yourself reaching for it, patting your pants pockets trying to locate it. Soon, though, you will find yourself reaching for your partner instead.

The work of improving your relationship is a life-long task. But it’s worth it. And it can start with just three simple steps.

DESMOND SMITH

After ten years in digital media and marketing, Desmond recently graduated with a Master's in Marriage & Family Therapy from Pfeiffer University. He is currently working towards becoming licensed as a therapist in North Carolina. His wife, Kristy Yetman, is the owner of Yetman Counseling Services.

Desmond writes about relationships and life at his blog, PartSaintAndPartSinner.com.

Photo Credit: "Traditional vs Technology" by Mister G.C. is licensed by CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Listen Like a Therapist

Listening Like a Therapist

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who really listened? It’s remarkable, isn’t it? Perhaps we go through most days with so many distractions and interruptions that we aren’t necessarily aware of all the things that compete for our attention. But when someone truly listens to us, we notice. There’s something affirming about knowing that you are being heard.

It’s also one of the common accusations that people in relationship often throw at each other: “You never listen to me!” Just as there is something affirming about being listened to, it can be maddening when you actually want someone to listen and they don’t.

Therapists see listening as a skill; it’s not something that just happens. It has to be developed and refined and worked at. So what does it mean to listen like a therapist? And, how can it impact your relationships?

Get Engaged

Listening is an activity. It’s a process. You can’t just let the sound of someone’s voice wash over you and say that you’ve been listening to them. It is a skill that requires attention and energy. It might seem minor to point out that listen is an active skill but it’s an important distinction. Too often we think that we can “just sit and listen.”

To listen well, prepare yourself to listen. Remove the distractions. Put the phone away. Turn off the television. Wait until the kids are in bed. Sit in a position where you can turn directly towards the person who will be speaking. You are about to do the important work and it’s important that you look the part!

Our energy has to be focused on a couple of things. First, and probably most obviously, we have to pay attention to the two ways that people use to communicate. We have to pay attention to the words that they say. These words have meaning and when we really listen we are noting the words that people use. But we also pay attention to the things that people don’t say. Every eye roll. Every tear. Every laugh. Every nervous smile. Every soft touch. All of these things convey meaning and our brains are really tuned into pickup up these cues. When we pay attention to both channels, we get a higher resolution picture of what our partner is trying to communicate.

The words “You’re such a great person” said with a soft touch on your arm has a very different meaning from the same words said with an eye roll and a snicker.

Both channels are important and both channels are necessary if you’re going to listen well.

But listening doesn’t stop there. The second focus of energy for therapists that are listening well is to paraphrase. Once the person has finished speaking, therapists will reflect back to the speaker what has been understood. “What I'm understanding is.... ” is a great sentence stem that therapists use when they’re paraphrasing. These reflections are offered without any kind of judgement and their purpose is to confirm that the speaker’s message has been heard. If the speaker feels like the therapist missed something, then the speaker should absolutely offer that up; the therapist might even ask, “Is that about right?” This back and forth continues until the speaker feels as though the listener has gotten it. At that point the conversation might continue with the next idea.

When people are able to incorporate just these two ideas into their conversations, communication will absolutely improve. Too often, we don’t make the effort to confirm that we really understand what the other person is saying. Than, in and of itself, is enough to cause problems. When we make that effort on the front-end of the conversation, can prevent a lot of misunderstandings. When we reflect what we understand it has the additional effect of helping the speaker feel validated. Dr. Sue Johnson, a noted couples researcher and therapist, often says that people just want to feel like their situation and their reaction isn’t out in left field. People don’t want to feel alone or odd. By conveying that we understand we also are sharing that another human being “gets” what’s happening; their situation makes sense.

The Hardest Part

There’s another source of potential problems though and this is often requires the most energy for therapists. Sometimes, as a listener, you may hear something that triggers some difficult emotion. Maybe you’re being accused of something that you feel like you didn’t do. Maybe the speaker is talking about a painful memory that reminds you of something from your own past. Emotions are really powerful and when they show up in intense ways, they can prevent us from being able to listen well.

Therapists have to learn that they can keep their own emotions under control; it’s essential. Imagine a session where a client talks about losing a loved one. Chances are that the therapist has lost someone important to them at some point too. However, if the therapists attention moves from truly hearing and understanding their client toward reliving their own painful memories then that client doesn’t get what they need. For all of us as listeners, if we become defensive when we feel accused then our energies move from listening toward mounting a defense. When you understand that these emotions that get triggered are important and you can place them aside in order to engage with them later, you are able to listen at a deeper level.

Listening is not just something that happens. It’s something that we do. It requires action, energy, and attention. It’s also a skill that we can learn and get better at with practice. And it can have a powerful impact! More often than not, we feel ignored, blown off, or unimportant. How amazing when someone comes along that is willing to put everything else on hold and pay attention to us and the things that matter to us? Whether you’re listening to a friend, loved one, or a coworker, these skills help people feel like they’re important and that you value them.

So why not give it a shot? Find a friend or a loved one and ask them to simply talk. They can talk about their day, about something they’ve been thinking about, or something that’s important to them. As they’re speaking, periodically interject. You can even start with “It sounds like…..” or the very therapeutic “What I hear you saying is…..” I think you'll find your conversations will be richer and more satisfying than ever!

Photo Credit: "Friday drinks at the office" by Mallix is licensed by CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Desmond Smith

After ten years in digital media and marketing, Desmond recently graduated with a Master's in Marriage & Family Therapy from Pfeiffer University. He is currently working towards becoming licensed as a therapist in North Carolina. His wife, Kristy Yetman, is the owner of Yetman Counseling Services.

Desmond writes about relationships and life at his blog, PartSaintAndPartSinner.com.

What's Happening Right Now?

Before you even start reading this, take a minute.

Assuming that you’re in a safe location – I hope you’re not trying to drive while you’re reading this – start by looking around. If you’re inside, have a look at the room around you. Notice all of the objects that might be nearby. Maybe there is a table. Maybe there is a plate of food, or a television, or a window. If you’re outside, maybe you can see a tree, or a pond, or a busy street. Wherever you are, take a few moments to really see the things around you. Don’t just look and catalogue. If you’re looking at the tree, really spend some attention on it. Look at the the shape, the size of the trunk. If there are leaves, look at their color and notice how many different shades there might be. If it is winter and the tree is bare, look at the way the branches bend and twist and point in different directions.

See if you can do it for three minutes. If you feel like you’ve noticed just about every detail of the tree, then find something else to focus on. But try to get all the way through three minutes.

One last instruction. If you find that your mind is racing and it’s hard to focus, take a deep breath, notice that your thoughts are coming fairly quickly, and see if you can push that thought aside to focus on the exercise. Don’t worry. You don’t fail or have to start over if you get distracted.

Ok. Go.

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Are you back? How do you feel? What was it like to spend just a few minutes just noticing the things around you? Did you notice a few or a lot of thoughts vying for your attention? How easy was it to let those thoughts go and focus your attention again?

What you’ve just done is an exercise in being present. You focused your attention on the things around you, and make a conscious effort to stay focused even as other thoughts started to race through your head.

“What’s the big deal?” you might ask.

We live our lives at such a pace that staying present is difficult for us. We get distracted by cell phone dings and notifications while we are sitting around the dinner table with the loved ones we haven’t seen all day. We get caught up in trying to figure out how get that stain out of our favorite shirt while our kids are wanting to play. We stand in line at the coffee shop with our head buried in our phone and fail to notice that the sun just came out!

As it turns out, the practice of being present helps people with their emotional health. If you are able to simply be in a given moment, there is less chance for your brain to worry about the future or to regret experiences from the past. On an even deeper level, we know that a regular practice of being present (for example, doing an exercise like we described above once a day) contributes to a healthy brain. Parts of your brain that specialize in self-control and resiliency to difficult situations are strengthened and you’re better able to deal with stress when it arises.

Many religious traditions have known this for years – well before we had the science to back it up. Have you ever met a stressed-out monk?!? Their faith practice includes a regular practice of meditation; simply, being present. While being present doesn’t require any sort of faith to be effective, people of faith can look to their own traditions for ways to practice this for themselves.

There are many ways to practice being present. In the therapy world, we often use the word mindfulness as a synonym for that idea. If you search the web for “mindfulness practices” you’ll find an endless list of things you can try.

What would it look like to incorporate a practice like this into your own life? Try it, even just for a week, and let us know how it helps you!

Photo: "Reflections" by Moyan Brenn is licensed by CC BY 2.0.
 

Desmond Smith

After ten years in digital media and marketing, Desmond recently graduated with a Master's in Marriage & Family Therapy from Pfeiffer University. He is currently working towards becoming licensed as a therapist in North Carolina. His wife, Kristy Yetman, is the owner of Yetman Counseling Services.

Desmond writes about relationships and life at his blog, PartSaintAndPartSinner.com.

At the Top of Your (Emotional) Game

We never stop changing. We never stop growing. People often ask about the sorts of things they can do that will have the most impact on their lives. It’s the sort of question that gets asked a lot around the new year in particular. We are in that resolution frame of mind.

Perhaps the most popular area in which we resolve to change is in our physical health. You might be among the millions of people that decide to make a change related to the amount of exercise they get, or the types of food that they eat. And this is healthy! It’s so important to get physical activity and to be aware of the impact that the food we eat have on our overall well-being. If you’re not satisfied with these aspects of your life, then allow me to help add my voice as encouragement for you! You can do it!!

For me, I often wonder at this time of year why we don’t hear more about people resolving to make a change for their mental health. It could be that it’s just not as emphasized in our culture. Advertising, television shows, and movies all spend a lot of money presenting people who are physically attractive and seemingly healthy. It makes sense that we would want to apsire to be like them.

Working on our internal, emotional health though isn’t nearly as sexy. But I think it should be!! Think about it: one of the most common attributes that men and women find attractive in other people is when they have a sense of confidence. We know that when people work on fostering a strong sense of emotional health in their own lives, we can develop a deep-seeded sense of self-assurance. Not only that, but we become more appreciative of others.

Of course, working on your physical health – at least in theory – can be pretty easy. We know that we can run, or bike, or swim and if we do that more than we have done in the past, we should start to feel healthier. If we increase the amount of healthy food that we eat relative to the less healthy food that we eat, we should see some positive effects.

We don’t always have those same tools available when it comes to our mental health though. If we tend to be anxious, it’s not like we can just worry less and we will feel better. It just doesn’t work that way. There aren’t as many obvious exercises that we can use to improve our emotional world.

So, here is one simple idea things that can get you started towards improving your mental health in 2017. It might be helpful to start thinking about your mind as a muscle that you can work out the same as a bicep or quadricep. These are easy, exercises that you can start to do on a daily basis that, if you stick to the regime, should start paying dividends for you!

Be Present

One of the things that can keep us from developing emotionally is when we are distracted. Our minds are really good about focusing on memories or regrets from our past or worrying about the way things might go in the future. Both are important but when they take away from our well-being or our relationships, it can be really damaging. One easy way to help improve our emotional lives is to practice being in the present. The stronger the muscle that keeps us here an now, the less likely that regrets or worry can overwhelm us; we can just give them the attention that they deserve.

There are a couple of ways to practice this exercise.

The first is about engaging your senses. Sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch all have a way of connecting you to a time and place. It’s the way that you are connected to the world around you. And they can be great tools to help you strengthen your emotional muscles.

One exercise that helps requires the aid of food or a drink. Personally, I like to do this with the help of a cup of coffee in the morning but you can substitute just about any food for this experience. Once you have your coffee, find a quiet place (e.g. get back in your comfy bed, sit on a couch in a quiet room, or some other retreat in your home). Take about five minutes and just “experience” that coffee with all of your sense. How many times do we quickly pour our coffee in the morning and drag it around the house with us while we’ll getting dressed, getting the kids ready, shaving, or getting something together for work that day? This is the complete opposite of that and completely designed to slow you down.

Start by holding the cup of coffee in your hands, feeling the warmth of the cup. You might want to wrap your hands around the entire cup. If you really pay attention to your hands, you might notice the warmth as it starts to radiate through your palms and fingers. You might even notice the warm feelings spreading all the way up to you wrists. Just notice the sensation – no need to do anything else except pay attention to it.

You’ll probably notice that your mind starts to wander pretty quickly. When you’re training your mind in this way, you’ll often notice that other thoughts start to creep in. It’s OK. You’re not used to this sort of exercise so it might take a while to really get used to it.

After a few moments of paying attention to your sense of touch, move to another sense. You might want to smell the coffee. Move your nose in close to the cup and notice the smells. You might notice the coffee but you might notice some other things too. If you’ve just washed your hands, for example, you might notice the smell of your soap. You might even use your sense of touch again and notice the steam as it rises to your face. What you’re trying to do during this exercise is to simply pay attention to your senses and notice what they’re perceiving.

You can use you other senses too. Use your sense of sight to look at the cup in your hands. We have a lot of handmade cups at home so, for me, I find myself paying a lot of attention to the curves, the glazes, and any other unique characteristics in the cup itself. You might look at the way your fingers fold and curve around the cup. You might notice the steam as it rises from the coffee. You can use your sense of hearing. You might not hear anything coming from you coffee, but if you listen during this time there are lots of sounds you could hone in on. Maybe it’s the sporadic sound of cars on the street outside. Maybe its the creaking of wood in the structure of your home as the sun comes up and the temperature changes.

Again, the real exercise here is using your attention to notice what your senses are trying to tell you. This exercise, over time, will help your mind from wandering as easily into things that might be the seeds of anxiety or worry or depression.

Maybe there are some other ideas too! Feel free to add them to the comment section below or over on our Facebook page.

 

Desmond Smith

After ten years in digital media and marketing, Desmond recently graduated with a Master's in Marriage & Family Therapy from Pfeiffer University. He is currently working towards becoming licensed as a therapist in North Carolina. His wife, Kristy Yetman, is the owner of Yetman Counseling Services.

Desmond writes about relationships and life at his blog, PartSaintAndPartSinner.com.