Today has been both an exhale of relief because it’s finally Friday that is quickly followed by the wave of grief that I’ve clocked in another week of this new way of living. It’s a mixed bag.
In response to my weekly revolving door of relief and grief, I attended a webinar with Bessel van der Kolk last week whose work as a psychiatrist has influenced how professionals in the mental health world process trauma. He had some concrete advice on why this time can lead to trauma and ways for us to intentionally process this time of collective chaos and I wanted to share this advice with you.
What sets people up for trauma?
Lack of Predictability
Immobility
Loss of Connection
Numbing Out and Spacing Out
Loss of Sense of Time and Sequences
Loss of Safety
Loss of Sense of Purpose
Lack of Predictability
Can I get an amen? Every. Day. Is. Uncertain.
But the one thing we can have control over right now - our own life. For this reason, Van der Kolk recommends keeping a consistent schedule. A consistent schedule in a time like this can look like going to bed and getting up at the same time. Getting dressed. Making your bed. Consistency can be found in daily rituals like a morning cup of coffee, or taking a walk. Consistency can also be found by looking forward to something like a weekly virtual check in with a friend or loved one.
Immobility
We were made for movement and our movement right now is limited. Our flight or fight response is not available to us and as we have seen already, one of the effects of this is a tendency for greater violence towards each other. We need to move. We need to self-regulate. We need to breathe.
Loss of Connection
Connection to others fundamentally shapes who we are and a lack of connection can feel like a lack of safety and solidarity. We need people who can respond to us. When we cry we’re supposed to get a reaction, when we laugh someone is supposed to laugh with us. It’s the rhythm of living in community with others. So schedule time to connect and check in. Eat together as a family, play games, dance, draw, tell stories, sing together.
Numbing Out
Feeling your body is the key to feeling alive. When we numb, we are separating ourselves from feeling but experiencing our feelings is how we move from reaction to response. Without awareness of our internal experience we end up reacting with anger, fear, and irritation. Not only is awareness of ourselves important but also to share our awareness with others. Give words to your internal experience. “I was feeling overwhelmed and took a walk and then I felt more grounded.”
Loss of Sense of Time
Sometimes these circumstances makes it feel like we don’t have a future. When we are traumatized, time stops. It might not feel like it now, but this will end. Our lives will feel normal again and the rhythms of daily life will one day return. But while we are doing all of this intentional feeling of our feelings, that can sometimes bring about uncomfortable sensations. So notice what happens when you allow your feelings to be felt, and then notice when you bring your awareness back to your breath, your attention shifts to something else. We are evolving organisms and so our thoughts and feelings can shift from one moment to the next. There can be comfort in this because this feeling even in this moment, as uncomfortable as it may be, will change.
Safety
Now is the time to cuddle, to hug, and be close with one another. If you live by yourself then physical safety can be found in meditation where you cultivate a sense of internal safety. Our bodies give us many cues when we are experiencing a loss of safety and often in an attempt to control this, we ignore our gut reactions and numb awareness of ourselves. Privacy can be a way to establish physical safety and provide a space to withdraw. Establish boundaries with other people in your home by saying, “I’m going to my room for a while please don’t disturb me” can provide a sense of physical safety and needed distance in order to breathe and be present in your body.
**Now more so than ever, there is concern for a lack of physical safety in the home. If you are a victim of violence, don’t wait for it to get worse. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or www.thehotline.org/help
You can read more about Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s work at www.besselvanderkolk.com